Poem - Nightmare #5

what is there to hope, to say, to feel,

or to wonder?

is there any way you can take it in?

is there any way that you'll really get it?

i'm not just any person, there's no simple thing about me

everything i do, there is at least 5 reasons

experiences behind those reasons

and the reasons why they happened.

there's not enough time to explain.
there's too much to learn, there's too much to see.

there is just way too much about the true me.

and it doesn't matter to anybody

that's the way it feels.

you call it twisted words, but it's just me being real

don't take the time to ask how i am if you don't really care how i feel

don't tell me to get over anything or forget about the past,

because you know you won't do it either

i forgive, but i don't forget.

my memory, my heart and my brain won't let me

partially because it's wrong,

and partially because it will happen again.

i will never forget for a reason.

whether my way worked or not, i now what to do or what not to do,

you wouldn't want me to make the same mistake twice,

now would you?

i don't avenge nor do i get revenge.

i do not laugh towards the pity of others and i do not laugh at thier pain

no matter how many times you wish me dead

this will all still stay the same.

i will not change.

now look me in the eyes, you can't see through me.

i'll bet you every penny to my name that you can feel my pain

i don't have to tell you for you to know, but you wont stop

nobody will stop, no matter if i say please or not

we just go in circles

the fighting, the swearing,

the accusals. i can't handle it

you think i can't handle anything

you think i never can

you try walking even one step in my shoes, and say that to me again

you want to die now, don't you.

don't you. all of you.

try one more time, just do it

you want to push me over the edge,

now don't you.

what? what else did you tell?

what words came out of you?

are you done?

why don't you tell me.

why don't you tell me why you're not done.

do you feel provoked?

do you feel the pressure?

do you feel how i feel?

this is me, everyday.

and you do not understand that.

you don't understand that everyone talks to me like that.

because all i ever do is fail.

and you know that voice, you know it well

you prove it right

when the end is near and the time has come,

no one will know because it will already be done.

and no one can prevent anything,

because they wont know.

you can't watch me constantly and i act very well

you wont have a clue that i'm hurting,

i'll just mask it like i always do and not talk about it

i'll become a doormat for everyone like i was woven out to be

a carpet, the shaggy kind.

you can't say you don't like it.

because that's what you have always wanted

i may choose to make your wish come true

but do i really want to be a shag carpet, for you?

i'd rather dissappear.