Happy Holidays...

#OOTD from yesterday; new jacket + Tripp NYC (thx Nick!)

♫♪ #MetalMonday - Report from HIM's Love Metal Archives Tour

i followed HIM around the East Coast this month on their latest tour with WOUNDS and Motionless In White, and what better section of my blog to write about it in than Metal Monday?! for those who have been living under a rock, HIM (which stood for His Infernal Majesty) is band from Finland, you could say call them an alternative or goth rock band, seeking influences from Black Sabbath, Type O Negative, doom metal, and many more which they wear on their sleeves; but the band pioneered their own genre, "Love Metal," which is also the title of their fourth studio album released in 2003.
if you have ever seen this symbol: you have seen HIM's logo, also used by Bam Margera after he discovered them while skateboarding in Finland. Although i believe they would've hit the American airwaves either way, there's no doubt that Bam (and later, Kat Von D) helped out with making sure to spread the band around in The States and blowing them up. I only found out about the band because i used to sneak and watch Jackass and Viva La Bam on Mtv, and i'm a die-hard fan.
That being said, i have to mention that last year HIM won the Revolver Golden God Award for having the most dedicated fans. As i write about the show and some of the people i met there, you will get what i mean.

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - WOUNDS; love at first listen

i just saw Wounds, the band you don't know you love yet, 3x in ONE WEEK. and it was the best 3 shows of my life. Right now, Wounds is the opening band for HIM's Love Metal Archives Tour along with Motionless in White. I went to all but one show on this leg of the tour. In case you're wondering, the one i missed was in New Jersey. as everyone who knows me already knows, i am a die-hard HIM fan, Saturday was my 7th HIM show, and i saw all 7 gigs within the last year and a half. I credit HIM for helping me discover many bands through the years, mainly through internet radio. After starting to see them live, i discovered even more. So, along with HIM, i've seen a few bands with them. another band HIM toured with called Airbourne during Rock Allegiance in 2013 (my first HIM show) grew on me, but not like Wounds did.  . I go to live shows with a strategy. If i haven't heard of a band on the roster, i don't listen to them prior to the show. I had obviously heard of HIM, I knew about Motionless In White, but before buying presales i'd never heard of Wounds.  .

new favorite shirt!

DIY Ombre Purple Denim vest +MOTD

make up of the day!

i bought myself this vest as a present and decided to dye it to make it a little more "me" :) i need more purple clothes...i'm surprised i lack them with it being my favorite color since i can ever remember.

update 7.24.2014 +vLog

my internet connection was out most of the week so i didn't get to update much besides the video i posted on YouTube monday night, but i'm snagging some from WiFi from my neighbor so i'm gonna try to type this very quickly! haha

tonight i finished all of my online work for my new job, so i am happy for that.

i read all of the PDFs and it looks like i can get some cool benefits there.

feeling better :)

i've had a lot of big ups and downs this year in my life,  not much has changed, but the ups are getting higher at least. i've picked up my 6-string again and i've started getting better already, i kind of just think this Crashdiet guitar pick is lucky :P i lost the pick i usually use, so i finally took it out of the tape... i've already got a couple of riffs for some songs i've been writing,  so maybe i can record some kind of demo track,  if i can figure out how to get the drum sounds right on my keyboard... if i can do that, i can do a full song...which i'd like a lot.

♫♪ #MetalMonday - Crashdiet & #dietmerch!

my 1st EVER Metal Monday post was about Crashdiet,  the amazing Swedish band bringing back everything i ever loved about the 80's. and now here's a second post...and better...with a video! haha this post i because i finally got some merch from them, and i am still very excited about it! here's a very smiley video of me, singing to Crashdiet songs and talking about what i got in the mail!

♫♪ #MetalMonday - 10 more awesome Metal cover songs!

i'm back! sorry about not posting last week, i still need to make up for that  (for the people who read it anyway lol) as you know, i love covers, and i wanted to come back with some more! so here's 10 more of my favorite Metal covers starting with... "Cinnamon Girl" by Type O Negative (originally by Neil Young)

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - 4th of July Weekend [[+drunk video]]

yay, a bunch of foreigners came here, enslaved and killed most of the natives and shoved the rest into random deserted places, 

then brought more foreigners over to enslave,

 just to make it illegal to be foreign in the first place decades later. 

i really dont give a crap about this messed up country 

and i think red, white and blue is kind of an ugly color combination.

i really just want to party.

- me, via facebook

so that's what i did :D 

♫♪ #MetalMonday - You need some Lovacaine in your life.

So get some! This, my friends, is Lovacaine: get it, like Love + Novacaine? i thought that was genius, idk about you guys. they're a band from Florida, here in the U.S.A. i know, it's a miracle, i like a band from MY OWN country?! that up there is my favorite song by them :) these guys remind so impecably of The 69 Eyes, it's crazy. and you can hear a little HIM in those riffs too. they site them as inflences, as well as Type O Negative and Lacrimas Profundere...another 2 bands i happen to love. there's nothing i admire more than people who wear thier influences on thier sleeves, and these guys do it proudly while still having thier own sound.

♫♪ #MetalMonday - 10 of my favorite Metal covers songs!

this week i wanted to post about cover songs. because i love them! there's something completely amazing to me about a band taking a song and making it thier own, + a surprising lot of my actual favorite songs happen to be covers! there'll be a bunch of different bands in here, so enter with both open minds and ears :) some old, some a little newer. here we go! starting with... Disturbed - Land of Confusion (originally by Phil Collins / Genesis)

having a bad day. ugh :(

nothing makes me more anxious than when things dont work right. and nothing is working correctly. just a bad day.

♫♪ #MetalMonday - Crashdiet

whats up! this is my first post in a section of my blog called "Metal Monday" i plan to post in this section every monday this year :) years ago is when i realized that not alot of people have the same music taste as i do and don't know about a lot of the bands i like, so i figured i should finally start telling some stories! i don't listen to the more popular genres of metal very often, most people i know are more into "-core" bands, but i'm not! in this section of my blog, i want to talk about more oldschool styles of rock and metal, both classics and newer bands. i'm going to start out with posting about my most recent favorite,  a band called Crashdïet hailing from Sweden!

Simon Cruz is part of the inspiration for me to finally get a mohawk this year

i found out about this band while streaming on my favorite internet radio site, last.fm, about 2 years ago now. the first song i heard was "Generation Wild" from thier album of the same name. i was immediately hooked.

✍ ~⋆★ⓓⓡⓔⓐⓜ☾ⓙⓞⓤⓡⓝⓐⓛ★⋆~

"Martin Spade"

[5.28.2014] via FB

had a wierd dream last night that i completely ran away. i fled to a foreign country (not sure which, because the flag was always blurry in the dream) was living as a (male) rockstar named "Martin Spade" fronting a modern glam band called Trashcandy. i was gone for 3 years and had cut off contact with everyone i knew in the USA. i came back for a couple of days to get things that i missed. i pretty much bought a month's supply of gold star chili and went to a bunch of local restaurants, i saw a bunch of people i knew...but theyd forgotten about me so they didnt notice. i went to some concert because it was my last night there for some local thrash band (thats how you know it was a dream, there are none of those) and i went up to the bar, already half drunk, and got really mad about getting ID'd because i was 25, so i said whatever, took out my ID, had 3 shots of something and went back up to watch the show. another band played after the thrash band and they were covering a song by my band, and i didnt know we had any followers in the US, especially not in a town i used to live in, but these were people that weren't even born until i was in the 3rd grade, so they had no clue who i was there. but they sounded really good. i was drunk and forgot why i was trying to flee the crowd and pushed my way to the front. the bassist saw me and nudged the frontman who saw me next and practically freaked out, then announced to the whole room that i was there and invited me on stage, so i finished a couple of classic cover songs with them before they finished thier set. they found me afterwards and got some pictures, then invited me to wafflehouse so we went. after we got there, the keyboard player walks up to the hostest and gives her a huge hug. he tells her that his bandmates met one of thier idols tonight and she says "who?" we turn around at the same time and make eye contact, her jaw drops and she drops a mug on the ground. she just stood there and looked at me like she was either about to jump me or cry, but she just got a dustpan and cleaned up the pieces on the ground. the keyboard player's band mates made fun of her and called her a spazz and crazy, i said "Calm down, that's my sister" and then he freaked out again. after Tehya came back , she sat next to her boyfriend. he said "why didn't you ever tell me that Martin Spade was your brother?!" she looked at us both and started laughing hysterically "Martin Spade? You couldnt think of anything better than that?" i just laughed and said leave me alone. after we ate i was waiting for a taxi back to the hotel i was staying in. she said "do you think you'll ever come back here?" i said i didn't know, got in the taxi and drove away.

revisit[5.29.2014]

i took my friend Lintu's advice and tried my best to meditate on the dream to go back to Martin Spade's world. this drean was sort of a prequal to the one the night before. it started in "my" homecountry and i was having practice with my band Trashcandy and were going to play a show with Reckless Love at Tavastia Klubi (in Finland...i know i'm at least in the Scandinavian area) the next day. my drummer, Jacki Stone (formerly of Veins of Jenna) said "well that's not too far" in regards to the distance. we had our own van (big volkswagon hippie van) which i sprayed our logo on the side of and painted it. it was particularly ghetto looking on the outside. the inside was covered in faux leopard print, neon green shag carpet and seats, a tv, gps, and enough space to fit our guitars and two amps very snug. we had a trailer form Jacki's drumset. after the rehearsal i went back to my apartment which was some junky artist's loft type of thing. i had layers of white fabric nailed to the walls and most of them were painted on like wall-sized canvases. i had one of each dish, they were all dirty in my sink. the only things i had in my refrigerator were a big pot of rice, onions, green peppers, avocados, strawberries, almond milk, cheese, beer and wine. the only thing in my freezer was ground beef and microwave pizzas. my cabinets were almost empty, only had seasoning/herbs, flour, honey and tea bags. i had a coffee maker but the coffee can was in the trash because i ran out. the only other things on my counter were a blender, microwave and a george foreman grill, which is very typical of me. i didn't have a bed, and my room was really just a closet with a couch and a chandelier in it. clothes, shoes, boots, scarves, records and guitars. i didn't have a TV, just a touch screen computer. i layed on the floor in my livingroom, stared at the ceiling and smoked cigarettes for literally 2 whole hours, just because, then i demoed some bass and vocal tracks on my computer for a song i started writing called "wretched right-wings" (probably about the american government) then i got online to promote the show and get in some rvsps, i bribed maybe a dozen people with free shots which of course weren't actually free since i was paying for them, then read all of my hate male about me being such a "small dude." i layed back onto the floor and smoked and stared at the celing for another hour, wondering to myself how i got this far into my dreams and what it took. i made myself a smoothie and warmed up a bowl of rice, watched buffy the vampire slayer re-runs then i went into the bathroom. i looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. i brushed the hair spray out of my hair, took off my pants, my overshirt and my boxers. took off the padded briefs, the spandex shirt, the 2 sports bras, and the bandages and looked at myself in the mirror again but couldnt smile. i didn't like myself underneath my stage persona, even though my stage persona was really the same me with stuffed pants and a binded chest. as i was much more muscular, i found myself to be an even odder looking "girl" than i was before. i didn't really need 2 sports bras, just the binding now, but i was so used to it that i just kept putting it on. i had such small breasts and built my chest up so much that i was insanely realistically close enough to walk around with my shirt off and still be a believable male. i took a shower, got out, checked my cell phone to make sure i didnt have any calls from my bandmates and layed on my couch. i stared at my American phone for about 5 minutes, fighting with myself not to turn it on, because i had kept myself from it for a year and a half. i did my sit ups and push ups then went to sleep.
   my alarm went off at 7am, i got up at 7:30. i made strawberry smoothie and a loaded egg 4 omelet for breakfast then did my workout in my livingroom. right after, i binded up, put on some sweats and packed up my stage outfit. i double checked everything and left my place by 11am. i packed up my stuff in the van and headed to the bank to withdraw the money for those free shots and some for myself, then checked my balance. i went to some T-shirt place and picked up about 200 t-shirts and some posters to load into the van, then went back to the bank to check my balance again. i picked up a couple of pizzas then to my bassist (Ricki Vixen)'s place to pick him and our guitarist (Tod Powers) to bring them to Jacki's to get the trailer and drums then headed off to the venue while we ate in the car and sang. we got to the venue at 4:45.
     the first person to greet us when we got to the venue was Olli Herman accompanied by his wife, she smiled politely when we met them. some of the guys who worked at the venue helped us load in our gear. i got a text from our merch girl, Alessia, saying she was a few minutes away. i stayed outside to smoke a cigarette while i waited for her. she arrived in a pink truck, jumped out, greeted me with a hug and kissed me nearly on the mouth but i turned my head, delighted to see me. she had dyed and cut her hair to look just like mine, was wearing a silver bikini top, purple pleather pants, white cowboy boots, 3 different studded belts, hoop earings and a resin necklace of our logo. i helped her bring the table in to set up shop before we soundchecked.
    i went backstage and to a bathroom to put on my stage attire, touch up my contour and get my hair as big as possible. then outside and Alessia followed me. i said hi to the fans waiting outside and told them if they were here for me to scream as loud as they could and took a video of it,then threw out a couple of shirts. i asked Alessia if she had the wristbands with her, which she did, so i got online from my phone and scanned the line for the people getting free shots from me and got them wristbands which were conveniently rainbow leopard print that said "trashcandy" on it, then waved before going back inside. after the doors opened, there were people rushing to the front. all familiar faces, some of them show up to every show.

   the usual happened when we start our show, i'm in a trash can behind an amp on stage. we have a recording of wind in trees playing, a couple of car sounds, then back to just wind in the trees. then Jacki plays the chimes on his drumset (like wind chimes) then builds up with more drum sounds, Ricki comes in next with Bass with a subtle rhythm that builds up, Todd Joins in with some power chords, leading into a heavy, solo-esque riff and then Alessia pushes the trashcan to the middle of the stage before she exits. Todd plays one last riff before the real song starts, which sounds half Glam, half Thrash. i start singing a verse to our opening song and slowly exit the trash can. after the song is over, i greet the crowd stating it had been a while since we'd been at Tavastia, then did a little advertising about a Hanoi Rocks tribute show that i was planning for a couple months later, told them where to find the merch and asked if everyone was having a good time. someone in the back yelled that i was a faggot and made fun of my size, so i grabbed my own crotch, stuck out my tongue and gave them the finger. i announced the title of the next song "Life Sized Barbie" and continued to preform 4 more songs. after our set, i asked them if they were ready for Reckless Love then told everyone who was getting free shots to meet me at the bar in 5 minutes.

     i bought thier shots and we all conversed for a little, i signed some shirts and tickets and was pumped that they thought i was a big deal. a couple of girls bought me drinks so i hung out with them for a little before checking on Alessia, who was apparently paying someone to relay drinks to her. she'd sold a good 20 items so i stopped myself from getting irritated that she was obviously already on her way to being drunk while managing the table, but i didnt call over anyone to relieve her.
    I joined the crowd for Reckless Love's set, since i was a fan and sang along to every song. You could see his wife smiling by the stage. I finished up my last beer at the venue and helped pack things up. We invited Olli, his wife and the band to an after party one of our friends was throwing.
      Todd drove Alessia's truck and Ricki drove the van, since we weren't trying to die. 30 minutes later we're at this guy's house who's name i dont remember, they had a local rock band playing in the back yard and the kitchen was practically a bar. we tosted shots of whiskey and drank up. our nameless friend was sitting in a lawnchair at the back of his house with a jar of moonshine and a kettle full of dip-spit sitting next to him. he looked up at me and smiled, then missed trying to fist bump me and i just laughed. i made my rounds saying hello to the attendees then stood on the lawn to watch the band. Alessia stumbled over to me and got grabby as usual so i just acted like she wasnt there. she started leaning on me so i moved over and she just fell on the ground. i shook my head and walked to the other side of the yard. she eventually got up and came over to me again, put her hand on my shoulder and told me i did great tonight. i said thanks. she asked if she'd over told me how sexy she thought i was, i said yes, she laughed then threw up right next to me and went "ew."
   i just patted her on the head and told her to go home. she asked i meant with me, i said no, and she started crying. which was just as typical. i made sure someone could drive her home before i got a ride for me and ricki back to my place, todd and jacki were going to take care of the van.
   when i got back home, i did my nightly routine and went to bed. when i woke up, i alerted social media that i'd be away for a few days, but that i'd be back. most of the comments said "rehab?" or "what happened :(" or one person said "he needs time to grow LOL" which had 47 likes on the comment, and alot of replies from very defensive fangirls. i told them i was just going out of town, that there was nothing wrong and they all said to have a safe trip.
   i stopped at a cafe where i accidentally ran into a very a caffenated and hungover Alessia, who i directly tried to avoid. she bombarded me with questions about why i wouldnt date her and it just about gave me a headache. i didnt even get coffee before telling her i had to go and that i wasnt in the mood to talk about things like that, i left pissed off from her screaming and causing a scene in public with some person on a bench taking an obvious video. i got in the taxi and headed off to the airport, to leave for the trip i went on in the last dream.

after the trip[6.1.2014]

this dream starts on what happens after the trip. when i get off the plane i went straight home, i had no cell phone service in america (i downgraded to a simple msgm8, no smartphone for tracking reasons)so i was ready to check my email and what-not while i waited for a train. i mostly checked while riding the train. i had about 50 messages from Alessia that i didnt bother to read and the rest were just bandmates sending me updates on what they were up to while i was gone, progress on new material, any sales, whether we got paid, etc. all of my e-mails seemed to be the same thing. i was pretty happy to be back home until i walk up to my building and Alessia is standing there, waiting for me. i rolled my eyes as i walked up to the building, attempting to get in while she kept blocking me, asking me to hear her out and i told her she had until i got to my room to say whatever. she went on and on about how we were a perfect match and how she's been trying so hard to show me and all of these things. i told her i wasnt interested and that i never would be and that i was sorry if it sounded blunt. and then she goes into a crying fit again, which pissed me off. i told her she cant cry every time a crush doesnt like you back and that she's making herself look like a pussy. and she said i wasnt just anyone and that she loved me, and i told her she didn't know me well enough to love me. i handed her a pack of tissues out of my pocket and went into my apartment, which she faithfully cried outside of for about an hour.
   after she left, i realized that i hadnt binded my chest at all and a sense of embarrassment overcame me, but i looked in the mirror and unbuttoned my shirt down to the 4th button and i didnt mind what i looked like. i went back to my livingroom to check social media. the little glam band i saw back in Cincinnati (Cin City Rebelz) posted thier photos with me as "the great Martin Spade" who showed up at thier gig out of nowhere, how "honored" they were that i was there. i replied to the post thanking them for having me and that they were great and shared the photos on my page.
   i went back a few hours later after eating to check if the post caught any more attention. thier page's fans jumped up 100, the post had over 300 views, 30 comments, including one from my sister that simply said "LOL Martin Spade. what a name." i was completely fine until i looked along the list of people who'd "liked" the post and saw Nick's name near the bottom of the list. my heart dropped and i was overwhelmed with guilt...i ran to the bathroom and immediately threw up, and just stared into the toilet bowl. i couldnt help starting to cry as i went back to my room and struggled to turn on my American phone. i watched as the messages in his thread continued to multiply for 20 minutes until it stopped. a message sent a month ago that said "i guess i'll leave you alone now...love you.." i just stared at it and sobbed. i went back to the computer and clicked the link to his profile, it was a picture of him standing next to a red-haired girl, smiling and holding hands. i stopped crying and just looked down. i didnt move on but he did, but i deserved it because i abandoned him and he did nothing to deserve that. he was even more beautiful than when i left and had grown into his "man" body. but he looked a lot happier. i had to fight with myself whether or not to say something, and i typed a message but didn't send it. i remembered how things went we he used to talk to his ex, and i didn't want to be her...i wasnt, never was, and couldnt be. i went to my kitchen and just kept drinking until i passed out.  i woke up in real life.

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - Goodbye, Miss Bridgett ['74-2014]

i wore this to a "funeral" ...i really did.

and if you knew who the funeral was for, you wouldnt be at all surprised.

no one was surprised when they saw me, because they know me

"Berry, you had to make it metal." says Amber (alix's sister)...i love that reaction haha :)

today, i said my last goodbye to one of the most amazing women i've ever known, 

and it was hard for me, but i'm okay.

Rest In Paradise, Miss Bridgette

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - blastbeating heart.

 i've always had a bit of an anxiety problem,

but this year it's been worsening rapidly enough to make me worried 

i've always been someone who could control those types of things in public,

my awkwardness, anxious impulses, freak-outs and even mild panic attacks,

but now it's like the littlest things are making me act...out of character.

it's like everything about something is trying to attack me.

i find myself freaking out at home or work for what seems like no reason,

and i can't even control it now 

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - another good soul gone..

i've now lost two important people in my life in this year alone. its starting to feel surreal, and my emotions don't know what to do with themselves, with me, with anyone, or anything else. i'm used to loss, and i know its a bad thing to say, but its the truth. when i was a kid, alot of my friends were elderly people, and i was used  to them passing away. but i was still sad.

Happy World Goth Day! #OOTD + Make up

outfit of the day for world goth day :) 

unfiltered photo of my make up below!

Sample Photos taken with my Nikon d40 [[+video]]

hi everyone!! 
new  video here talking about my new camera 
it's a Nikon d40  
i have a few photos in the video and mentioned that you could see the full resolution of them here,
so i'm going to post them as promised!
thanks for still keeping up with me these days 
i've been terrible at updating 
but i plan on doing more!

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - just hangin' out alone.[+OOTD]

"you have to figure this out in life.

what makes you the most uncomfortable?

what do you hate more:

being stared at or not being yourself?"

- a quote by yours truely

i chose my answer and i say it loud and clear.

with my voice

my style

my actions

and my pride

i'll never be anyone but me.

Photography - Honeysuckles (2014) + NEW CAMERA!

i finally have a dslr camera now, thanks to my wonderful boyfriend. i'm not too good with it yet, i've only had it for 2 days and i've used it once. these are the photos i took with it yesterday :)

 

the last photos i took of honeysuckles were about 4 years ago, with an olympus digital camera.  these new photos are taken with a Nikon DSLR :)

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - Valerie's 21st Birthday!!

today was my best friend Valerie's birthday!! finally 21 :D is she not the cutest thing ever? i love her ♥

Krystal a.k.a Kasper, haunting Valerie

since our houses are in like a wierd sequence, i walked to Valerie's, then we walked to speedway to meet Krystal and get icees and gas station pizza xD

lyke zomg pc4pc??? #myspace

after we met up with Krystal, we walked back to Valerie's to hang out for a little while and me and valerie still needed to get ready.

we watched a bunch of YouTube videos,

the ones i remember most were some girl making unicorn poop cookies, 

a dude with crazy make up freaking out people on omegle

....and the most disturbing video i've ever seen in my whole life

...something called "Shrek is Love Shrek is Life" .....

basically i'll never watch Shrek the same way again

after that i got them to watch Nana :D neither of them had seen the anime, and they were just as annoyed by Hachiko as i was xD but since she takes up most of the first episodes, it got obnoxious REALLY fast. they were much more curious about Nana Osaki (can you blame them??)

i was super excited to give Valerie her present. since she dyed her hair orange and black, we call her the Halloween Candy Kid, so i went with the theme. i got her a bottle of Cake flavored rum, a bunch of candy, and made her this card with pictures i drew of us in it

[[click them to enlarge]]

and inside the little pocket part was a couple page letter i wrote her about how much her friendship means to me :)

after we got ready, we went outside to take all these pictures xD

her parent's left and we were waiting for her boyfriend Danny to get here

the Halloween Candy Kid awaiting her Gypsy Prince Charming

Valerie let me do her eyeshadow so i was all excited :D

after Danny got us, we met up with her family at Dave & Busters, 

where i apparently got really really drunk.

but at least i came home with a shit ton of fun dip! haha

it was a great fucking night and day.

i hope Val had as much fun as i did!!

Happy Birthday :)

[[photos]] feeling green!

i got these really cute sunglasses and i wanted to take pictures with them, so i found a bunch of other green stuff to make it work! and i actually wore my extensions, which im usually too lazy to put on.

i didn't have a green shirt, so i got crafty and just used my bandana :) i've been wearing scarves and bandana's as shirts since i was little, but my mom would never let me out of the house like that, but now i'm grown so i can do that :3 i'm kinda pissed that i'm an adult and can still double-knot a regular sized bandana around my chest though...and thats a shoe string around my waist.

and those sunglasses were only $5 :') ♥

[[photos]] back in black

only got 3 good photos that day. here they are!

[[photos]] cemetary time!

all photos taken by nick w/canon rebel and edited by me :) got alot of good ones!

✎ ℝｅａｌｉｔｙℂｈｅｃｋ ✔ - HIM Concert Adventure 3/18-3/19

in summary, my life since the year started:

i started live painting at concerts, i turned 21, i got a mohawk, one of my best friends that i was considering living with was murdered by her room mate, then the next day my mom decides she's kicking me out.

Well, that escalated quickly.

thats not even the half of it...its only 3 months into the year and its already a hard year. 

i planned to blog more this year, but all that made me..well, hesitant (for lack of a better word)

i needed a break from life, the bad things in it.. 

i didn't want to be in Ohio. 

concerts are one of the only things that bring out my happiness, and especially HIM.

in 2013, i went to Atlanta to see HIM. september 22, i remember the date. 

i met so many amazing people and they became like family. 

and HIM was back in the US, so i reuntied with my Heartagram Family :) 

it was one of the best couple of days i'd had since i came to Atlanta the first time :) i went to Atlanta and then Orlando Florida!

i stole these from my tagged photos on facebook :)

HIM @ Center Stage in Atlanta

Valentines day #OOTD

i spent valentines day alone, but it ain't no thang :) ordered nicko a pizza to his house, had to show him some love even though the weather didnt want us too :) you know how it is ~

i'm not a girl...i'm nothing. [long post]

this is something that i've really been holding on for too long. this post will be lengthy, because i'm long winded, and because i know people would be asking "why?" if i made it short.

as the title says, i am not a girl.

but, i am also not a boy.

i don't feel like i belong in either gender category, maybe somewhere in between.

which has caused a huge identity crisis for me throughout my life.

i am not cisgender, but i don't like to refer to it as transgender, 

as there would be know way for me to ever transition...

really, i am, and have always kind of been there.

i am gender neutral.

it took me a very long time to figure out what to call it.