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"Martin Spade"
[5.28.2014] via FB
had a wierd dream last night that i completely ran away. i fled to a foreign country (not sure which, because the flag was always blurry in the dream) was living as a (male) rockstar named "Martin Spade" fronting a modern glam band called Trashcandy. i was gone for 3 years and had cut off contact with everyone i knew in the USA. i came back for a couple of days to get things that i missed. i pretty much bought a month's supply of gold star chili and went to a bunch of local restaurants, i saw a bunch of people i knew...but theyd forgotten about me so they didnt notice. i went to some concert because it was my last night there for some local thrash band (thats how you know it was a dream, there are none of those) and i went up to the bar, already half drunk, and got really mad about getting ID'd because i was 25, so i said whatever, took out my ID, had 3 shots of something and went back up to watch the show. another band played after the thrash band and they were covering a song by my band, and i didnt know we had any followers in the US, especially not in a town i used to live in, but these were people that weren't even born until i was in the 3rd grade, so they had no clue who i was there. but they sounded really good. i was drunk and forgot why i was trying to flee the crowd and pushed my way to the front. the bassist saw me and nudged the frontman who saw me next and practically freaked out, then announced to the whole room that i was there and invited me on stage, so i finished a couple of classic cover songs with them before they finished thier set. they found me afterwards and got some pictures, then invited me to wafflehouse so we went. after we got there, the keyboard player walks up to the hostest and gives her a huge hug. he tells her that his bandmates met one of thier idols tonight and she says "who?" we turn around at the same time and make eye contact, her jaw drops and she drops a mug on the ground. she just stood there and looked at me like she was either about to jump me or cry, but she just got a dustpan and cleaned up the pieces on the ground. the keyboard player's band mates made fun of her and called her a spazz and crazy, i said "Calm down, that's my sister" and then he freaked out again. after Tehya came back , she sat next to her boyfriend. he said "why didn't you ever tell me that Martin Spade was your brother?!" she looked at us both and started laughing hysterically "Martin Spade? You couldnt think of anything better than that?" i just laughed and said leave me alone. after we ate i was waiting for a taxi back to the hotel i was staying in. she said "do you think you'll ever come back here?" i said i didn't know, got in the taxi and drove away.
revisit[5.29.2014]
i took my friend Lintu's advice and tried my best to meditate on the dream to go back to Martin Spade's world. this drean was sort of a prequal to the one the night before. it started in "my" homecountry and i was having practice with my band Trashcandy and were going to play a show with Reckless Love at Tavastia Klubi (in Finland...i know i'm at least in the Scandinavian area) the next day. my drummer, Jacki Stone (formerly of Veins of Jenna) said "well that's not too far" in regards to the distance. we had our own van (big volkswagon hippie van) which i sprayed our logo on the side of and painted it. it was particularly ghetto looking on the outside. the inside was covered in faux leopard print, neon green shag carpet and seats, a tv, gps, and enough space to fit our guitars and two amps very snug. we had a trailer form Jacki's drumset. after the rehearsal i went back to my apartment which was some junky artist's loft type of thing. i had layers of white fabric nailed to the walls and most of them were painted on like wall-sized canvases. i had one of each dish, they were all dirty in my sink. the only things i had in my refrigerator were a big pot of rice, onions, green peppers, avocados, strawberries, almond milk, cheese, beer and wine. the only thing in my freezer was ground beef and microwave pizzas. my cabinets were almost empty, only had seasoning/herbs, flour, honey and tea bags. i had a coffee maker but the coffee can was in the trash because i ran out. the only other things on my counter were a blender, microwave and a george foreman grill, which is very typical of me. i didn't have a bed, and my room was really just a closet with a couch and a chandelier in it. clothes, shoes, boots, scarves, records and guitars. i didn't have a TV, just a touch screen computer. i layed on the floor in my livingroom, stared at the ceiling and smoked cigarettes for literally 2 whole hours, just because, then i demoed some bass and vocal tracks on my computer for a song i started writing called "wretched right-wings" (probably about the american government) then i got online to promote the show and get in some rvsps, i bribed maybe a dozen people with free shots which of course weren't actually free since i was paying for them, then read all of my hate male about me being such a "small dude." i layed back onto the floor and smoked and stared at the celing for another hour, wondering to myself how i got this far into my dreams and what it took. i made myself a smoothie and warmed up a bowl of rice, watched buffy the vampire slayer re-runs then i went into the bathroom. i looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. i brushed the hair spray out of my hair, took off my pants, my overshirt and my boxers. took off the padded briefs, the spandex shirt, the 2 sports bras, and the bandages and looked at myself in the mirror again but couldnt smile. i didn't like myself underneath my stage persona, even though my stage persona was really the same me with stuffed pants and a binded chest. as i was much more muscular, i found myself to be an even odder looking "girl" than i was before. i didn't really need 2 sports bras, just the binding now, but i was so used to it that i just kept putting it on. i had such small breasts and built my chest up so much that i was insanely realistically close enough to walk around with my shirt off and still be a believable male. i took a shower, got out, checked my cell phone to make sure i didnt have any calls from my bandmates and layed on my couch. i stared at my American phone for about 5 minutes, fighting with myself not to turn it on, because i had kept myself from it for a year and a half. i did my sit ups and push ups then went to sleep.
my alarm went off at 7am, i got up at 7:30. i made strawberry smoothie and a loaded egg 4 omelet for breakfast then did my workout in my livingroom. right after, i binded up, put on some sweats and packed up my stage outfit. i double checked everything and left my place by 11am. i packed up my stuff in the van and headed to the bank to withdraw the money for those free shots and some for myself, then checked my balance. i went to some T-shirt place and picked up about 200 t-shirts and some posters to load into the van, then went back to the bank to check my balance again. i picked up a couple of pizzas then to my bassist (Ricki Vixen)'s place to pick him and our guitarist (Tod Powers) to bring them to Jacki's to get the trailer and drums then headed off to the venue while we ate in the car and sang. we got to the venue at 4:45.
the first person to greet us when we got to the venue was Olli Herman accompanied by his wife, she smiled politely when we met them. some of the guys who worked at the venue helped us load in our gear. i got a text from our merch girl, Alessia, saying she was a few minutes away. i stayed outside to smoke a cigarette while i waited for her. she arrived in a pink truck, jumped out, greeted me with a hug and kissed me nearly on the mouth but i turned my head, delighted to see me. she had dyed and cut her hair to look just like mine, was wearing a silver bikini top, purple pleather pants, white cowboy boots, 3 different studded belts, hoop earings and a resin necklace of our logo. i helped her bring the table in to set up shop before we soundchecked.
i went backstage and to a bathroom to put on my stage attire, touch up my contour and get my hair as big as possible. then outside and Alessia followed me. i said hi to the fans waiting outside and told them if they were here for me to scream as loud as they could and took a video of it,then threw out a couple of shirts. i asked Alessia if she had the wristbands with her, which she did, so i got online from my phone and scanned the line for the people getting free shots from me and got them wristbands which were conveniently rainbow leopard print that said "trashcandy" on it, then waved before going back inside. after the doors opened, there were people rushing to the front. all familiar faces, some of them show up to every show.
the usual happened when we start our show, i'm in a trash can behind an amp on stage. we have a recording of wind in trees playing, a couple of car sounds, then back to just wind in the trees. then Jacki plays the chimes on his drumset (like wind chimes) then builds up with more drum sounds, Ricki comes in next with Bass with a subtle rhythm that builds up, Todd Joins in with some power chords, leading into a heavy, solo-esque riff and then Alessia pushes the trashcan to the middle of the stage before she exits. Todd plays one last riff before the real song starts, which sounds half Glam, half Thrash. i start singing a verse to our opening song and slowly exit the trash can. after the song is over, i greet the crowd stating it had been a while since we'd been at Tavastia, then did a little advertising about a Hanoi Rocks tribute show that i was planning for a couple months later, told them where to find the merch and asked if everyone was having a good time. someone in the back yelled that i was a faggot and made fun of my size, so i grabbed my own crotch, stuck out my tongue and gave them the finger. i announced the title of the next song "Life Sized Barbie" and continued to preform 4 more songs. after our set, i asked them if they were ready for Reckless Love then told everyone who was getting free shots to meet me at the bar in 5 minutes.
i bought thier shots and we all conversed for a little, i signed some shirts and tickets and was pumped that they thought i was a big deal. a couple of girls bought me drinks so i hung out with them for a little before checking on Alessia, who was apparently paying someone to relay drinks to her. she'd sold a good 20 items so i stopped myself from getting irritated that she was obviously already on her way to being drunk while managing the table, but i didnt call over anyone to relieve her.
I joined the crowd for Reckless Love's set, since i was a fan and sang along to every song. You could see his wife smiling by the stage. I finished up my last beer at the venue and helped pack things up. We invited Olli, his wife and the band to an after party one of our friends was throwing.
Todd drove Alessia's truck and Ricki drove the van, since we weren't trying to die. 30 minutes later we're at this guy's house who's name i dont remember, they had a local rock band playing in the back yard and the kitchen was practically a bar. we tosted shots of whiskey and drank up. our nameless friend was sitting in a lawnchair at the back of his house with a jar of moonshine and a kettle full of dip-spit sitting next to him. he looked up at me and smiled, then missed trying to fist bump me and i just laughed. i made my rounds saying hello to the attendees then stood on the lawn to watch the band. Alessia stumbled over to me and got grabby as usual so i just acted like she wasnt there. she started leaning on me so i moved over and she just fell on the ground. i shook my head and walked to the other side of the yard. she eventually got up and came over to me again, put her hand on my shoulder and told me i did great tonight. i said thanks. she asked if she'd over told me how sexy she thought i was, i said yes, she laughed then threw up right next to me and went "ew."
i just patted her on the head and told her to go home. she asked i meant with me, i said no, and she started crying. which was just as typical. i made sure someone could drive her home before i got a ride for me and ricki back to my place, todd and jacki were going to take care of the van.
when i got back home, i did my nightly routine and went to bed. when i woke up, i alerted social media that i'd be away for a few days, but that i'd be back. most of the comments said "rehab?" or "what happened :(" or one person said "he needs time to grow LOL" which had 47 likes on the comment, and alot of replies from very defensive fangirls. i told them i was just going out of town, that there was nothing wrong and they all said to have a safe trip.
i stopped at a cafe where i accidentally ran into a very a caffenated and hungover Alessia, who i directly tried to avoid. she bombarded me with questions about why i wouldnt date her and it just about gave me a headache. i didnt even get coffee before telling her i had to go and that i wasnt in the mood to talk about things like that, i left pissed off from her screaming and causing a scene in public with some person on a bench taking an obvious video. i got in the taxi and headed off to the airport, to leave for the trip i went on in the last dream.
my alarm went off at 7am, i got up at 7:30. i made strawberry smoothie and a loaded egg 4 omelet for breakfast then did my workout in my livingroom. right after, i binded up, put on some sweats and packed up my stage outfit. i double checked everything and left my place by 11am. i packed up my stuff in the van and headed to the bank to withdraw the money for those free shots and some for myself, then checked my balance. i went to some T-shirt place and picked up about 200 t-shirts and some posters to load into the van, then went back to the bank to check my balance again. i picked up a couple of pizzas then to my bassist (Ricki Vixen)'s place to pick him and our guitarist (Tod Powers) to bring them to Jacki's to get the trailer and drums then headed off to the venue while we ate in the car and sang. we got to the venue at 4:45.
the first person to greet us when we got to the venue was Olli Herman accompanied by his wife, she smiled politely when we met them. some of the guys who worked at the venue helped us load in our gear. i got a text from our merch girl, Alessia, saying she was a few minutes away. i stayed outside to smoke a cigarette while i waited for her. she arrived in a pink truck, jumped out, greeted me with a hug and kissed me nearly on the mouth but i turned my head, delighted to see me. she had dyed and cut her hair to look just like mine, was wearing a silver bikini top, purple pleather pants, white cowboy boots, 3 different studded belts, hoop earings and a resin necklace of our logo. i helped her bring the table in to set up shop before we soundchecked.
i went backstage and to a bathroom to put on my stage attire, touch up my contour and get my hair as big as possible. then outside and Alessia followed me. i said hi to the fans waiting outside and told them if they were here for me to scream as loud as they could and took a video of it,then threw out a couple of shirts. i asked Alessia if she had the wristbands with her, which she did, so i got online from my phone and scanned the line for the people getting free shots from me and got them wristbands which were conveniently rainbow leopard print that said "trashcandy" on it, then waved before going back inside. after the doors opened, there were people rushing to the front. all familiar faces, some of them show up to every show.
the usual happened when we start our show, i'm in a trash can behind an amp on stage. we have a recording of wind in trees playing, a couple of car sounds, then back to just wind in the trees. then Jacki plays the chimes on his drumset (like wind chimes) then builds up with more drum sounds, Ricki comes in next with Bass with a subtle rhythm that builds up, Todd Joins in with some power chords, leading into a heavy, solo-esque riff and then Alessia pushes the trashcan to the middle of the stage before she exits. Todd plays one last riff before the real song starts, which sounds half Glam, half Thrash. i start singing a verse to our opening song and slowly exit the trash can. after the song is over, i greet the crowd stating it had been a while since we'd been at Tavastia, then did a little advertising about a Hanoi Rocks tribute show that i was planning for a couple months later, told them where to find the merch and asked if everyone was having a good time. someone in the back yelled that i was a faggot and made fun of my size, so i grabbed my own crotch, stuck out my tongue and gave them the finger. i announced the title of the next song "Life Sized Barbie" and continued to preform 4 more songs. after our set, i asked them if they were ready for Reckless Love then told everyone who was getting free shots to meet me at the bar in 5 minutes.
i bought thier shots and we all conversed for a little, i signed some shirts and tickets and was pumped that they thought i was a big deal. a couple of girls bought me drinks so i hung out with them for a little before checking on Alessia, who was apparently paying someone to relay drinks to her. she'd sold a good 20 items so i stopped myself from getting irritated that she was obviously already on her way to being drunk while managing the table, but i didnt call over anyone to relieve her.
I joined the crowd for Reckless Love's set, since i was a fan and sang along to every song. You could see his wife smiling by the stage. I finished up my last beer at the venue and helped pack things up. We invited Olli, his wife and the band to an after party one of our friends was throwing.
Todd drove Alessia's truck and Ricki drove the van, since we weren't trying to die. 30 minutes later we're at this guy's house who's name i dont remember, they had a local rock band playing in the back yard and the kitchen was practically a bar. we tosted shots of whiskey and drank up. our nameless friend was sitting in a lawnchair at the back of his house with a jar of moonshine and a kettle full of dip-spit sitting next to him. he looked up at me and smiled, then missed trying to fist bump me and i just laughed. i made my rounds saying hello to the attendees then stood on the lawn to watch the band. Alessia stumbled over to me and got grabby as usual so i just acted like she wasnt there. she started leaning on me so i moved over and she just fell on the ground. i shook my head and walked to the other side of the yard. she eventually got up and came over to me again, put her hand on my shoulder and told me i did great tonight. i said thanks. she asked if she'd over told me how sexy she thought i was, i said yes, she laughed then threw up right next to me and went "ew."
i just patted her on the head and told her to go home. she asked i meant with me, i said no, and she started crying. which was just as typical. i made sure someone could drive her home before i got a ride for me and ricki back to my place, todd and jacki were going to take care of the van.
when i got back home, i did my nightly routine and went to bed. when i woke up, i alerted social media that i'd be away for a few days, but that i'd be back. most of the comments said "rehab?" or "what happened :(" or one person said "he needs time to grow LOL" which had 47 likes on the comment, and alot of replies from very defensive fangirls. i told them i was just going out of town, that there was nothing wrong and they all said to have a safe trip.
i stopped at a cafe where i accidentally ran into a very a caffenated and hungover Alessia, who i directly tried to avoid. she bombarded me with questions about why i wouldnt date her and it just about gave me a headache. i didnt even get coffee before telling her i had to go and that i wasnt in the mood to talk about things like that, i left pissed off from her screaming and causing a scene in public with some person on a bench taking an obvious video. i got in the taxi and headed off to the airport, to leave for the trip i went on in the last dream.
after the trip[6.1.2014]
this dream starts on what happens after the trip. when i get off the plane i went straight home, i had no cell phone service in america (i downgraded to a simple msgm8, no smartphone for tracking reasons)so i was ready to check my email and what-not while i waited for a train. i mostly checked while riding the train. i had about 50 messages from Alessia that i didnt bother to read and the rest were just bandmates sending me updates on what they were up to while i was gone, progress on new material, any sales, whether we got paid, etc. all of my e-mails seemed to be the same thing. i was pretty happy to be back home until i walk up to my building and Alessia is standing there, waiting for me. i rolled my eyes as i walked up to the building, attempting to get in while she kept blocking me, asking me to hear her out and i told her she had until i got to my room to say whatever. she went on and on about how we were a perfect match and how she's been trying so hard to show me and all of these things. i told her i wasnt interested and that i never would be and that i was sorry if it sounded blunt. and then she goes into a crying fit again, which pissed me off. i told her she cant cry every time a crush doesnt like you back and that she's making herself look like a pussy. and she said i wasnt just anyone and that she loved me, and i told her she didn't know me well enough to love me. i handed her a pack of tissues out of my pocket and went into my apartment, which she faithfully cried outside of for about an hour.
after she left, i realized that i hadnt binded my chest at all and a sense of embarrassment overcame me, but i looked in the mirror and unbuttoned my shirt down to the 4th button and i didnt mind what i looked like. i went back to my livingroom to check social media. the little glam band i saw back in Cincinnati (Cin City Rebelz) posted thier photos with me as "the great Martin Spade" who showed up at thier gig out of nowhere, how "honored" they were that i was there. i replied to the post thanking them for having me and that they were great and shared the photos on my page.
i went back a few hours later after eating to check if the post caught any more attention. thier page's fans jumped up 100, the post had over 300 views, 30 comments, including one from my sister that simply said "LOL Martin Spade. what a name." i was completely fine until i looked along the list of people who'd "liked" the post and saw Nick's name near the bottom of the list. my heart dropped and i was overwhelmed with guilt...i ran to the bathroom and immediately threw up, and just stared into the toilet bowl. i couldnt help starting to cry as i went back to my room and struggled to turn on my American phone. i watched as the messages in his thread continued to multiply for 20 minutes until it stopped. a message sent a month ago that said "i guess i'll leave you alone now...love you.." i just stared at it and sobbed. i went back to the computer and clicked the link to his profile, it was a picture of him standing next to a red-haired girl, smiling and holding hands. i stopped crying and just looked down. i didnt move on but he did, but i deserved it because i abandoned him and he did nothing to deserve that. he was even more beautiful than when i left and had grown into his "man" body. but he looked a lot happier. i had to fight with myself whether or not to say something, and i typed a message but didn't send it. i remembered how things went we he used to talk to his ex, and i didn't want to be her...i wasnt, never was, and couldnt be. i went to my kitchen and just kept drinking until i passed out. i woke up in real life.
after she left, i realized that i hadnt binded my chest at all and a sense of embarrassment overcame me, but i looked in the mirror and unbuttoned my shirt down to the 4th button and i didnt mind what i looked like. i went back to my livingroom to check social media. the little glam band i saw back in Cincinnati (Cin City Rebelz) posted thier photos with me as "the great Martin Spade" who showed up at thier gig out of nowhere, how "honored" they were that i was there. i replied to the post thanking them for having me and that they were great and shared the photos on my page.
i went back a few hours later after eating to check if the post caught any more attention. thier page's fans jumped up 100, the post had over 300 views, 30 comments, including one from my sister that simply said "LOL Martin Spade. what a name." i was completely fine until i looked along the list of people who'd "liked" the post and saw Nick's name near the bottom of the list. my heart dropped and i was overwhelmed with guilt...i ran to the bathroom and immediately threw up, and just stared into the toilet bowl. i couldnt help starting to cry as i went back to my room and struggled to turn on my American phone. i watched as the messages in his thread continued to multiply for 20 minutes until it stopped. a message sent a month ago that said "i guess i'll leave you alone now...love you.." i just stared at it and sobbed. i went back to the computer and clicked the link to his profile, it was a picture of him standing next to a red-haired girl, smiling and holding hands. i stopped crying and just looked down. i didnt move on but he did, but i deserved it because i abandoned him and he did nothing to deserve that. he was even more beautiful than when i left and had grown into his "man" body. but he looked a lot happier. i had to fight with myself whether or not to say something, and i typed a message but didn't send it. i remembered how things went we he used to talk to his ex, and i didn't want to be her...i wasnt, never was, and couldnt be. i went to my kitchen and just kept drinking until i passed out. i woke up in real life.