Thursday, May 5, 2011

devastation.

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i said how my basement was flooding and it ruined everything. guess what else was down there...my entire art portfolio...it's all ruined. each and every piece. that portfolio was for college, to get me in. now, i have nothing. and no one gives a shit about it but me. no one understands...no one really cares about me, i'm crying my eyes out looking at all of my mold-soaked papers and paintings, weeping and sobbing uncontrollably, and who was there to hold me? nobody. who was there to talk to me? nobody. no one was even outside. the loneliness just killed me more. and nick doesnt want me to go to art school anyway so i guess my portfolio being completely destroyed is a good thing.
being an artist has been my dream literally since i was 4 years old. my mom threw it all away. and she doesnt care. instead, she says hurry up and get a job and get out and threatens to hit me, because i'm upset that she ruined my future.. fuck anyone who doesnt care. i give up
just like everyone's expected since i was 13, i'm not gonna do anything with my life. i was raised poor and i'll die poor. life's all about death anyways right? what's the fucking point? i'm just at the end of my rope.. the next thing that upsets me is going to end me. i'm really getting worked up and i never release all of my feelings so they blow out on once. and i dont release them because i cant. fuck highschool and fuck college i just wanna get a job and leave. and if i do graduate which i probably wont i'll have to take a fucking year off to do a bunch of shit artwork becase i'll have no fucking inspiration from this shit happening. i'll do a painting series called "death" with paintings of my mom dying in different ways and reminders of how much i hate her and each thing that made me feel that way. i really do hate my life right now...sounds cliche, but i really do.

its my senior year,
i missed my homecoming. my prom. no art classes. no real friends. no job. no money. no brain. no hope. no football games, basketball games, baseball games, no talent show, no play...bad birthday. bad birthday weekend...nothing going my way...no nothing.

i just have to sit here and wait for good things to happen,
because i cant make them happen.
i have no more patience, i'm fucking sick of waiting
i'm sick of being walked on and put down
i'm sick of being told what the fuck to do
so fuck it

someone fucking hire me already
i want to get the fuck out of here

i really almost ran away today, back to the falls where i always ran away. my spot under the rock is still there, and i wanna go back and sleep there...

but most of all, i missed my cat.. that's what i needed the most..i really did say "little scotty" while i was crying..but he's dead..it just made everything worse..i don't wanna wake up after tonight..i'm so done with my life, i really am