Friday, May 30, 2014

✎ ℝealityℂheck ✔ - blastbeating heart.

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 i've always had a bit of an anxiety problem,
but this year it's been worsening rapidly enough to make me worried 
i've always been someone who could control those types of things in public,
my awkwardness, anxious impulses, freak-outs and even mild panic attacks,
but now it's like the littlest things are making me act...out of character.

it's like everything about something is trying to attack me.

i find myself freaking out at home or work for what seems like no reason,
and i can't even control it now Photobucket

a couple of nights ago at work, i was putting things away and wearing a plastic glove (which only come in one size) the glove started to fall off of my hand...i reached for the pan and saw that my fingers were in the palm area of the glove and my heart started racing, i felt like i wanted to scream and went into this devastating panic, threw the glove off of my hand, and ran into the back room to do dishes without even finishing until later. 

last week, i there was construction going on at the mall, which is where i work and it's in walking distance of my house. whatever they were doing was making a repetative knocking sound, like someone knocking on my door. i answered the door several times and no one was there...i went outside and the knocking sounded the same, but no one was at anybodies' doors. and i looked over, my two neighbors were outside talking like it wasnt even happening and they couldnt hear it. i had another panic attack and literally curled up, covering my ears and cried because it was bothering me so bad.

i feel like a fucking lunatic.
and i absolutely hate it.

it used to be that the only thing i couldnt control with my anxiety was my phobia of being tardy, which i havent been able to control for the past 5 years, but now i can't stop anything.
maybe its the pressure of everything going on right now,
or maybe i've just reached the dead end of my sanity.

it's got me so wound up, and it's so hard to handle, i just really wish it would stop . . . 

i know that i'll never be normal, but i'm scared that this is going to turn me into someone who can't function normally because of compulsions and impulses. 
i want to be able to live at least a semi - normal life,
but this just makes me want to curl up in a ball and never leave my room.

what if i get an attack when i'm out with my friends?
what if i get an attack when i'm hanging out with a new person?
i seem to be that friend that everyone talks about in a good way...what if i meet thier friends and then i do something "crazy" in a bad way and then make my friends look bad...
i don't really care what people think of me, but i dont want my friends to have to end up being looked down upon.
it's happened before, or i wouldnt be worried...

i just want to be okay,

but i'm not.