Wednesday, May 28, 2014

✎ ℝealityℂheck ✔ - another good soul gone..

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i've now lost two important people in my life in this year alone.
its starting to feel surreal, and my emotions don't know what to do with themselves, with me, with anyone, or anything else.
i'm used to loss, and i know its a bad thing to say, but its the truth.
when i was a kid, alot of my friends were elderly people, and i was used  to them passing away. but i was still sad.
the first loss that really struck me was a guy named Mark. i was 5, he was 13. he was one of the sweetest people in the world, and went to the same church as me.
he was terminally ill...i don't ever remember him not being in a wheelchair.
if you remember my posts from years past, you'll remember a magician that i worked (and still work) for named Phil Dalton. 
Mark was his younger brother.
i remember once Phil skydived as a fundraiser for him.
unfortunately, Mark lost his battle...
i didn't realize until then that young people could die too,
and when i came to that realization, i was really upset...
i was overwhelmed for a couple of years to the point where even as a 1st grader, i always had this fear in the back of my mind that i was going to die at any second, or that my best friends or classmates would.
i went to funeral, after funeral, after funeral.
it's safe to say that i remember going to more funerals in my childhood than i went to birthday parties.
my next really important loss was my grandfather on my mom's side, James. he lived in a nursing home the whole time i knew him, but we visited every other week. i always looked forward to it.
he was an Artist, so was i. my mom and grandma said i inhertited my drawing talents from him.
i was always excited to come over. 
we'd get a snack from the vending machine, i'd watch him play cards with his friends, then we'd sit and draw together along with my sister until my mom said we had to go.
he was in a nursing home from being what is called a "functioning alcoholic"
functioning alcoholics can drink and drink and drink and pretty much feel nothing, but thier blood/alcohol level would still rise...which made him prevelant to heart attacks, which is why he was in a nursing home.
he always said he was born on July 4th,
oh, the irony, that he died on Christmas morning when i was 10.
more and more funerals pass until i hit another huge loss.
my life always waits about 5 years in between...
Courtnei Lotridge, a close friend of mine that lived on my street, passed pretty abruptly...i didn't believe it. i found out over several MySpace bullitens by people who'd never joke about something like that.
Courtnei had Mono, alot of people i knew'd had it before...i was sure she would get better, but it's not what ultimately took her...her spleen burst, she hit her head, and help didn't come in time.
i felt so guilty, because i was going to bring her a get well card that day, but i decided to spend the night at my friends house...i just kept thinking to myself, "what if i couldve done something?"
i saw all the bullitens when i woke up.
they had the funeral during school, i dont remember now who i carpooled with, just what i was wearing, seeing her in the casket, and standing outside with Zach and Zakk.
the next thing i remember is sitting outside of our Highschool on the front steps, and her best friend Brandi was wearing a tie-dye shirt and greeted me with a smile.
life didn't wait another 5 years.
a year and a half later, i lost my abuelo Ramon just a few days after Thanksgiving...i really hate holidays sometimes. he had Alzheimers and Parkinsons, he wasnt very talkative and i didn't know him very well. but i didn't get to say goodbye or go to the funeral...and it made me feel really un-whole.
he was really into Photography, i guess that's where i get that from.
my dad had big boxes full of photographs that his father took, and they were all so interesting. he has his camera on display in his house.
that year i also lost a couple of my elderly childhood friends, right after being absent from church...
months later, my uncle Charlie. one of my only close family members had passed away from cancer, gout and MRSA. i'm still not over it, i dont think i ever will be. i can't see a Ford F250 without impulsively wanting to wave, even though he wont be in it. i miss getting gold dollars every time i saw him. and the stories, the hugs...
then life waited 4 years instead. 
and i'm practically feeling Courtnei and Charlie again.
i lost Meagan Fambry, 2 days after Valentines day this year.
i HATE holidays.
her life was taken by her roommate and it was all over the news. we had been talking about possibly moving in together, and i wish i wouldve just manned up and did it...because i wouldve never done what he did to her.
i was supposed to be her sister, and i couldnt even be there..
i had no idea and i found out over the phone. 
i had been working all day and Nick found out before me via Facebook, and he wanted to be the one to tell me...i was practically destroyed.
i practically collapsed onto the ground trying to leave, and if Valerie hadn't been there, i dont know what i wouldve done.
i went to her funeral with two of the girls i first met her with.
it's funny how life works in signs... the first time i met Meagan, was at Northgate Mall and i bought us all cookie cake slices from Great American Cookies.
The last time i saw her was at Northgate Mall, at Great American Cookies, which is where i work.
now, just two days ago now, i lost Miss Bridget.
my best friend in the whole world since i was 8, Alix, is her daughter.
just after Memorial Day.
...have i mentioned how much i hate holidays?
i visited her in Hospice with thier family on Sunday...or should i say my family. i'm tearing up as i write this part because just watching her sleep and gasping for breath was tearing me apart and i just had to hold it in. and i regret not saying a real goodbye...but i just didnt know how, i never knew how. i didn't say goodbye to my uncle when he was in the same place. but i knew if i tried to talk, i just wouldve cried...
Miss Bridget was always such an important person to me.
she wasn't just my best friend's mom, she was everyone's mom at one point or another.
several of mine and Alix's current and former friends can attest to that.
if she hadn't taken one of us in, she'd at least offered to.
she's taken in her friends, alix's friends, whole families and pets...you name it, she has love for it and would love whatever it was like it was her own.
she was one of the strongest, amazing, accepting, and caring mother's i've ever seen in action, and Grandmother. she got to be with Alix's daughter at least for a little while.
she was also a young mom...probably 10 years younger than mine.
there's no way life shouldve taken her so soon.
i prayed to God that whole next day just praying harder than i ever prayed just for her to wake up, but she didn't...and it was so selfish of me to pray for that, because she was in so much pain...but i couldnt help it.
i regret not saying goodbye....
this woman drove me to school for years, her and Alix always treated me so kindly and they even made me a part of thier family...the only people visiting Sunday were family, and they knew me by name and treated me just like we were blood. like REAL family is supposed to be...and i dont have that. i have my grandma, and that's it for close family. with them, i have sisters, and cousins and aunts and a neice and another niece or nephew on the way. and i just wish i couldve thanked her for that.
plus, she talked my mom into letting me go to a Motley Crue concert on a school night, and that was pretty awesome too.
she is an amazing woman, never a dull moment. a trooper, a fighter, and always loyal to the people she loves. she didn't have much, but she was always so giving. most people dont have a heart like she does for people. she will always be loved by me, my family, her family and friends and so much more...
i hope that wherever you go when you pass away, that Meagan and Miss Bridget meet eachother. i know that they'd get alone, and Bridget would keep Meagan safe. 
but, right now, i'm just dreading the next holiday...