Monday, January 16, 2012

Poem - Nightmare #5

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what is there to hope, to say, to feel,
or to wonder?
is there any way you can take it in?
is there any way that you'll really get it?
i'm not just any person, there's no simple thing about me
everything i do, there is at least 5 reasons
experiences behind those reasons
and the reasons why they happened.
there's not enough time to explain.
there's too much to learn, there's too much to see.
there is just way too much about the true me.
and it doesn't matter to anybody
that's the way it feels.
you call it twisted words, but it's just me being real
don't take the time to ask how i am if you don't really care how i feel
don't tell me to get over anything or forget about the past,
because you know you won't do it either
i forgive, but i don't forget.
my memory, my heart and my brain won't let me
partially because it's wrong,
and partially because it will happen again.
i will never forget for a reason.
whether my way worked or not, i now what to do or what not to do,
you wouldn't want me to make the same mistake twice,
now would you?
i don't avenge nor do i get revenge.
i do not laugh towards the pity of others and i do not laugh at thier pain
no matter how many times you wish me dead
this will all still stay the same.
i will not change.
now look me in the eyes, you can't see through me.
i'll bet you every penny to my name that you can feel my pain
i don't have to tell you for you to know, but you wont stop
nobody will stop, no matter if i say please or not
we just go in circles
the fighting, the swearing,
the accusals. i can't handle it
you think i can't handle anything
you think i never can
you try walking even one step in my shoes, and say that to me again
you want to die now, don't you.
don't you. all of you.
try one more time, just do it
you want to push me over the edge,
now don't you.
what? what else did you tell?
what words came out of you?
are you done?
why don't you tell me.
why don't you tell me why you're not done.
do you feel provoked?
do you feel the pressure?
do you feel how i feel?
this is me, everyday.
and you do not understand that.
you don't understand that everyone talks to me like that.
because all i ever do is fail.
and you know that voice, you know it well
you prove it right
when the end is near and the time has come,
no one will know because it will already be done.
and no one can prevent anything,
because they wont know.
you can't watch me constantly and i act very well
you wont have a clue that i'm hurting,
i'll just mask it like i always do and not talk about it
i'll become a doormat for everyone like i was woven out to be
a carpet, the shaggy kind.
you can't say you don't like it.
because that's what you have always wanted
i may choose to make your wish come true
but do i really want to be a shag carpet, for you?
i'd rather dissappear.